I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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