My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
