Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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