Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
