she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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