i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
