So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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