I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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