i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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