I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
