Three words: puerto rican gang bang
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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