you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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