Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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