I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
