I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
