yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
