I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
