So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
