It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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