Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
