Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
lets start a swedish sibling band together
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
