Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize