Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
