after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize