i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bring me that man meat
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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