I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
