A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
