My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
