Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I believe in your delicious
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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