mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
