Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize