I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
