If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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