I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
