I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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