My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
