I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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