Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
