Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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