wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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