ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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