just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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