I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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