I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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