It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
