I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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