Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
