a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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