well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
