We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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