my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
