I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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