I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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