She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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