did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
