do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
